What Grooming Is (and what it isn’t)

Understanding how manipulation and grooming often hides in plain sight

When people hear the word grooming, they often imagine a stranger luring a child online, or a teacher overstepping boundaries to draw a student into a sexual relationship. But grooming is not always overt, and it is not limited to children. Adults can be groomed too — in workplaces, ministry settings, mentoring relationships, or intimate partnerships. And not all grooming is for sexual favours, sometimes the groomer has the goal of gaining emotional control, loyalty, silence, access to power, or another personal benefit. In faith or organisational settings, grooming may involve cultivating dependence or admiration to serve the groomer’s need for influence, affirmation, or protection from accountability.

Grooming is generally proposed as a deliberate process of psychological manipulation that makes exploitation possible. It may begin with kindness, guidance, or spiritual language and slowly become controlling, isolating, or sexualised. Because it develops gradually and often within trusted contexts, it can be extremely difficult to recognise until long after harm has occurred.

Whilst grooming is often a deliberate process used to gain trust, compliance, or silence—but at times, it can unfold partly outside of awareness, reinforced by entitlement, emotional need, or self-deception (14, 15). In ministry or caregiving settings, this may look like over-involvement or blurred boundaries disguised as care. Yet regardless of intent, grooming is always an abuse of power, and the responsibility for that harm rests solely with the perpetrator.

Victims of Grooming are not "Just Naive".

Many survivors describe deep confusion when they first realise what has happened. They ask:“How did I not see it?”“Why didn’t I leave sooner?”“Did I somehow invite this?”

But grooming works through trust, dependency, and subtle conditioning, and is not a sign that someone was foolish or weak.

Research shows that perpetrators often target people who are caring, conscientious, or experiencing emotional or spiritual distress [1][2][3]. Groomers often present themselves as helpful mentors or compassionate leaders, offering comfort or insight that feels healing at first. Perpetrators may feel like they are doing the right thing seeking help and putting their trust in the person with power and authority may even be encouraged by others. Over time, this connection becomes a channel of control.

It is important for victim-survivors to understand that they were no susceptible because they lacked wisdom. Instead, someone carefully engineered confusion to meet their own needs. Recognising that manipulation was intentional, gradual and strategic can be the first step toward self-compassion.

What Grooming Looks Like in Everyday Life

Although contexts differ, studies across faith communities, universities, and youth organisations show recurring behavioural patterns [4][5][6]:

1. Targeting vulnerability.

   The individual identifies unmet needs — emotional support, mentorship, belonging, or spiritual guidance — and positions themselves as the one who can meet them. The reality is that we all have vulnerabilities. Being human means having moments of need, loneliness, or uncertainty. These are not weaknesses or reasons that the victim is to blame for anything that happened.

   
   

   Vulnerability does not equal complicity. The responsibility for grooming and abuse always lies with the person who exploits trust, not the one who extended it. Given the right set of circumstances — life transitions, grief, isolation, or spiritual searching — any one of us could be susceptible to manipulation. Exploiters often recognise and target these natural human needs, twisting care, faith, or mentorship into tools of control.

   
   

2. Building trust and admiration.

   Grooming often begins with charm and apparent goodness. The individual presents as warm, generous, insightful, or spiritually mature. In religious or therapeutic contexts, they may use the language of care, service, or divine calling to create an impression of integrity. This can feel genuinely comforting at first — a mentor who listens, a pastor who “sees” you, a leader who offers wisdom in a time of struggle. Over time, admiration becomes a bridge to trust, and trust becomes the entry point for dependence.

   
   

3. Creating secrecy and dependency.

   As the connection deepens, the groomer begins to shift the relationship into private territory. Invitations to meet alone, exchange personal messages, or share confidential stories become more frequent. They may frame this as special attention or a sign of closeness — “You can tell me anything,” or “Others wouldn’t understand our connection.” What begins as genuine conversation evolves into isolation. The target starts to rely on the groomer emotionally or spiritually, believing the relationship to be uniquely safe or sacred.

   
   

4. Testing and normalising boundary violations.

   Once secrecy is established, boundaries are slowly stretched. Small gestures — a compliment, a lingering touch, a joke with sexual or emotional undertones — test how far the groomer can go without challenge. Each step that isn’t questioned or named becomes the new “normal.” For those conditioned to respect authority or spiritual leadership, confronting discomfort may feel like disobedience or disrespect. Over time, the target’s internal warning system dulls, replaced by self-doubt and rationalisation: “Maybe I’m overreacting.”

   
   

5. Exploiting confusion and shame.

   When confusion or resistance surfaces, the groomer reframes their behaviour to maintain control. They might describe the relationship as mentorship, affection, or spiritual intimacy — twisting care into justification. If faith is involved, scripture or theology may be used to sanctify the dynamic (“Love covers all things,” “Don’t bring division”). The target will be coached about their complicity, and the consequences that could emerge if they speak to others about the abuse. The target, already isolated and dependent, begins to feel guilty for questioning the relationship. Shame becomes a leash, and the silence it creates protects the perpetrator.

   
   

Because grooming unfolds incrementally, both survivors and bystanders often misread it as friendship, guidance, or romance.

Adult Grooming and the Illusion of Consent

One of the most painful aspects of adult grooming is how consensual it can appear from the outside. The survivor may have agreed to the relationship, unaware that their “consent” was shaped by fear, obligation, or psychological coercion.

Adult sexual grooming (ASG) often blurs the line between choice and pressure [1][7]. Genuine consent, as explained by ethical scholars [8], requires that:

• The action aligns with what the person truly wants.

• Both parties clearly understand what is being agreed to.

• Refusing or withdrawing consent is a safe and realistic option.

  
  

Adult sexual grooming (ASG) often blurs the line between choice and pressure [1][7]. This explains how each of the conditions of consent are

1. The action aligns with what the person truly wants.

   For consent to be meaningful, a person must feel internally free to make a choice based on their authentic desires. In grooming dynamics, the perpetrator uses their position of power to shape what the target wants through emotional manipulation, flattery, or spiritual reasoning. A congregant who believes a pastor’s affection is “God’s will” or a student who fears disappointing a mentor may feel compelled to participate in something that does not reflect genuine desire. What they really want is to be cared for, accepted, and helped through the struggles they are experiencing. This does not mean that they want the additional things (e.g., sexual advances) being offered by the groomer. What looks like agreement from the outside may actually be compliance born of confusion or coercion.

   
   

2. Both parties clearly understand what is being agreed to.

   In healthy relationships, communication about consent is explicit and mutual. In grooming, the abuser deliberately keeps intentions vague. The victim enters the relationship under a particular pretense (e.g., to seek spiritual help, or to maintain employment). However, over time what they believed they were going to obtain comes with "strings attached". The groom uses the pretense of their role and position of authority and then creates ambiguity—“I just care about you,” or “This is part of your spiritual growth”—to conceal their motives. The target may not recognise that the interaction has become sexualised or exploitative until far later. This lack of clarity erodes informed understanding and trust consent. Transparency is replaced with manipulation.

   
   

3. Refusing or withdrawing consent is a safe and realistic option.

   True consent presupposes that saying “no” will not bring punishment, humiliation, or loss. In unequal relationships, that safety is compromised. When the person in power controls access to employment, spiritual belonging, mentorship, or emotional validation, refusal carries real costs. Victim-Survivors often describe fearing social isolation, spiritual condemnation, or professional retaliation if they resisted. Under such pressure, the choice to comply is not a free-choice, it feels like it is necessary for survival or acceptance.

When power, trust, or spiritual authority are used to obtain compliance, all three foundations of consent collapse. Survivors often describe a sense of being “frozen”—aware something felt wrong, yet unable to act. That paralysis is not weakness; it is a protective survival response within an unequal dynamic, a form of the body’s instinctive attempt to preserve safety when neither flight nor fight seems possible.

Why It’s So Hard to See (and Believe) You are being Groomed

Grooming hides behind our most valued instincts: trust, loyalty, empathy, and faith. In religious or service-oriented environments, these qualities are celebrated — making them easier to exploit.

Faith settings are particularly vulnerable because of asymmetrical power and spiritual narratives that can be distorted. Teachings about submission, forgiveness, or obedience can be manipulated to protect those in authority [9].

Communities may also experience institutional grooming — when systems themselves are conditioned to overlook or excuse harmful behaviour. Adult groomers often hold positions of trust such as clergy, professors, or supervisors [1][9][10]. Their reputations make it difficult for victims to speak up or be believed.

Psychological Mechanisms That Keep Victims of Grooming Silent

Several psychological processes make grooming difficult to identify:

• Betrayal trauma [11]

  describes the mind’s tendency to block or reinterpret harm when it comes from a trusted figure. Recognising betrayal threatens emotional survival, so awareness is often delayed.

  
  

• Cognitive dissonance

  When evidence of wrongdoing clashes with a cherished belief (“He’s a good person; he couldn’t do that”), the mind resolves tension by downplaying harm or assuming self-blame.

  
  

• Attachment dynamics

  Groomers often foster strong emotional bonds that mirror attachment relationships. The survivor’s nervous system becomes tied to the abuser’s approval, making withdrawal feel dangerous.

  
  

These mechanisms explain why many survivors still feel affection or loyalty toward those who harmed them. Healing involves gently separating genuine connection from manipulation.

This article: Why People join and Stay in Spiritually Abusive or high control spiritual Environments describes the concepts of Betrayal Trauma and Cognitive Dissonance in more detail.

How Grooming Overlaps with Coercive Control

Adult grooming often sits on the same continuum as coercive control — a pattern of dominance that uses psychological, emotional, and sometimes spiritual tactics to erode autonomy [12].

Both processes rely on isolation, fear, and dependency. While coercive control is commonly discussed in the context of intimate-partner violence, similar mechanisms occur in workplaces, ministries, and mentorship relationships.

In faith contexts, coercive control may appear as:

• discouraging outside friendships or counsel,

• redefining obedience as holiness,

• using confession or prayer as surveillance,

• implying divine approval for the abuser’s wishes.

  
  

Understanding grooming through this lens helps survivors see that what happened was not a single bad decision but a sustained pattern of domination.

Community and Organisational Blindness

Researchers have noted that perpetrators frequently hold respected roles — coach, clergy, teacher, volunteer — and use these roles to gain trust [4][6][10]. Communities may collude unconsciously by admiring charisma, protecting reputation, or prioritising unity over truth.

Sociologists call this the culture of niceness [9]: an environment where politeness outweighs protection. When warning signs emerge, people hesitate to confront them for fear of causing offence.

For survivors, this communal denial compounds harm. Many report that the institutional betrayal — being disbelieved or blamed — hurts as much as the original abuse [13].

Reclaiming Meaning and Faith

For those whose abuse occurred in religious settings, the aftermath often involves spiritual disorientation. Beliefs that once brought comfort may now trigger anxiety or distrust. Survivors may wrestle with questions such as:

• “Where was God?”

• “Can I still belong to a faith community?”

• “What does forgiveness mean now?”

  
  

Therapy that is faith-sensitive can help separate the abusive use of theology from the essence of faith itself. Healing does not require abandoning belief — it may involve re-curating it in a way that honours dignity and truth.

Approaches such as Schema Therapy and Trauma-Focused CBT can help survivors recognise the internalised messages (“I must please others,” “My needs don’t matter”) that groomers reinforced, and develop healthier self-schemas rooted in compassion and agency.

What Grooming Isn't

Not every act of kindness, mentorship, or emotional connection is grooming. Healthy relationships — whether in pastoral care, teaching, or leadership — are grounded in mutual respect, transparency, and boundaries.

• Healthy care supports independence, rather than creating dependency.

• Appropriate mentoring encourages multiple supports, not secrecy.

• True spiritual leadership empowers conscience and choice, rather than demanding loyalty or silence.

  
  

Grooming differs because it uses warmth and guidance as tools of control, not compassion. It meets the needs of the perpetrator, not the wellbeing of the other person.

Steps Toward Recovery

Healing from grooming is not a straight line, but clarity brings freedom. These steps can help begin the process:

1. Name what happened.

   Writing or talking about the timeline can help make sense of subtle boundary shifts. Naming them as manipulation — not mutuality — restores perspective.

   
   

2. Replace shame with understanding.

   Shame thrives in secrecy. Psychoeducation and trauma-informed therapy can replace self-blame with insight into how the nervous system responds to threat and attachment.

   
   

3. Rebuild safe connection.

   Supportive relationships counteract isolation. Survivors often find hope in communities that prioritise empathy, accountability, and transparency.

   
   

4. Re-evaluate boundaries.

   Relearning to say “no,” even to small things, can be profoundly healing. Therapy can help distinguish healthy vulnerability from coerced compliance.

   
   

5. Decide If and How you would like to Integrate faith and identity.

   This will be deeply personal for each person, but for many, reconnecting with faith is important. Many survivors reclaim faith through new spiritual practices — prayer, lament, or contemplative silence that emphasise freedom rather than fear.

   
   

If You’re Reading This and Recognising Yourself

It takes courage to name grooming — especially when it occurred within trusted environments or faith communities.Support is available.

At Refuge Psychology, I offer faith-sensitive, trauma-informed counselling for individuals navigating the complex impacts of grooming, coercion, or spiritual betrayal.

About the Author

Kylie Walls is a registered psychologist who provides faith-sensitive, trauma-informed therapy for adults across Australia. Through her practice, Refuge Psychology, using a faith-sensitive approach, she supports individuals recovering from experiences of abuse, coercive control, and spiritual harm. Drawing on research, clinical experience, and a deep understanding of complex relational trauma, Kylie helps clients move toward safety, clarity, and restored agency.

You can:

• Learn more about my approach here

• Reach out here

• Or book an appointment online here

Book an Appointment

You deserve care that honours your story and helps you move toward healing and wholeness.

If you have experienced abuse by someone in a position of spiritual authority, you are not alone.For confidential support, contact 1800 RESPECT (1800 737 732) or Blue Knot Foundation (1300 657 380).To connect with a psychologist offering trauma-informed, faith-sensitive therapy, visit the Refuge Psychology bookings page.

References

1. Aletky, C., Sharma, B., Carbajal, J., & Eubank, T. (2025). Adult sexual grooming: A systematic review. Journal of Social Work in the Global Community, 9, 1–17.

2. Winters, G. M., & Jeglic, E. L. (2024). Sexual grooming in the Boy Scouts of America. Journal of Child Sexual Abuse, 33(8), 1066–1099.

3. Sinnamon, G. (2017). The grooming process of sexual predators. Journal of Sexual Aggression, 23, 461–479.

4. Flynn, K. (2008). The impact of clergy sexual abuse on survivors’ spirituality. Pastoral Psychology, 56, 223–239.

5. Garland, D., & Argueta, C. (2010). How clergy sexual misconduct happens. Journal of Religion and Abuse, 12, 1–19.

6. Spraitz, J., & Bowen, K. (2019). Clergy sexual abuse: Spiritual manipulation and institutional denial. Journal of Interpersonal Violence, 34, 2959–2982.

7. Jeglic, E. L., & Winters, G. M. (2023). Testing the sexual grooming model for adults. Journal of Sexual Aggression, 29, 1–16.

8. Cowan, S. (2007). Consent: Theory and practice. Routledge.

9. Garland & Argueta (2010), as above.

10. Bull, A., & Page, T. (2021). Academic power and sexual coercion in supervision relationships. Gender and Education, 33, 1060–1077.

11. Freyd, J. J. (1996). Betrayal trauma: The logic of forgetting childhood abuse. Harvard University Press.

12. Stark, E. (2007). Coercive control: How men entrap women in personal life. Oxford University Press.

13. Flynn, K. (2008). The Psychological and Spiritual Impact of Clergy Sexual Abuse on Adult Victims. Pastoral Psychology, 56(5), 377–391.

14. Ward, T. (2000). Sex offenders’ cognitive distortions as implicit theories. Aggression and Violent Behavior, 5(5), 491–507.

15. Smallbone, S. (2006). An integrated life-course theory of sexual offending. In W. L. Marshall, Y. M. Fernandez, L. E. Marshall, & G. A. Serran (Eds.),

    
    

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