Psychologist for Domestic and Family Violence Recovery
When trust and safety are violated within a relationship, the impact can reach into every part of life — affecting identity, confidence, and connection with others. Domestic and family violence can take many forms, including emotional, psychological, spiritual, or physical abuse. At Refuge Psychology, support is provided with care, confidentiality, and respect for each person’s story. Recovery begins with safety, understanding, and the reassurance that healing is possible.
"Survival was never weakness — it was courage in its purest form".
Information about Coerive Control
What is domestic and family violence?
Domestic and family violence (DFV) occurs when one person uses patterns of power and control to dominate, intimidate, or harm another within a close relationship or family system. It can take many forms — emotional, psychological, physical, sexual, financial, or spiritual. While some forms of violence leave visible marks, others can be deeply hidden, manifesting as manipulation, fear, isolation, or erosion of confidence and autonomy. Abuse may involve threats, coercion, or using children, faith, or reputation to maintain control. Regardless of how it appears, DFV is never acceptable, and its impact can be profound and long-lasting.
Healing from domestic and family violence takes time. Survivors often experience a complex mix of grief, guilt, fear, and confusion, especially when the person causing harm was once a source of love, faith, or trust. Recovery begins with safety — emotional and physical — and the gradual rebuilding of self-worth and agency. Support from a trauma-informed psychologist can help make sense of what has happened, re-establish boundaries, and begin to restore trust in oneself and others.
What does trauma-informed support look like?
Trauma-informed support recognises that experiences of abuse can alter how a person feels, thinks, and relates to others. Instead of asking “What’s wrong with you?”, it asks “What happened to you?” and “What helped you survive?” In therapy, this means creating a space that feels safe, predictable, and collaborative. The focus is on understanding your experience at your pace, without judgment or pressure to disclose more than feels comfortable. Evidence-based approaches such as schema therapy, EMDR, and relational work may be used to process trauma, strengthen emotional regulation, and rebuild trust.
At Refuge Psychology, trauma-informed care also means paying attention to power dynamics within therapy itself. You are always the expert in your story, and decisions about your healing are made together. Over time, therapy can help you reconnect with your strengths, regain a sense of control, and rediscover hope — not as an ideal, but as something real and attainable through compassion, safety, and understanding.
How does faith or spirituality relate to experiences of domestic and family violence?
For some people, faith is a powerful source of strength and resilience. For others, faith has been used against them — to justify control, silence, or submission. Within religious or spiritual contexts, harmful interpretations of scripture or power can sometimes be misused to excuse abuse, keep victims quiet, or encourage forgiveness without accountability or safety. When this happens, the damage can extend beyond the relationship, affecting a person’s identity, worldview, and sense of belonging within their community.
At Refuge Psychology, these complexities are approached with deep respect. Faith and spirituality are not dismissed or discredited; they’re understood as vital parts of a person’s story. Support focuses on helping individuals untangle harmful messages, reconnect with what feels life-giving, and recover a sense of safety and spiritual integrity. Healing often involves rediscovering a faith that is compassionate, freeing, and grounded in dignity rather than control.
How can therapy help me rebuild after leaving an abusive relationship?
Leaving an abusive relationship is a significant act of courage, but it often marks the beginning of another difficult stage — recovery. Many people describe feelings of emptiness, guilt, confusion, or a loss of identity once the immediate crisis has passed. It’s common to question past decisions, miss aspects of the relationship, or feel uncertain about the future. Therapy provides a space to explore these emotions safely, to make sense of the trauma bond, and to process both the pain and the strength it took to leave.
Rebuilding involves more than just “moving on.” It’s about rediscovering who you are outside of fear and control, learning to set boundaries, and finding new ways to trust yourself and others. At Refuge Psychology, the goal is not to rush healing but to support it — helping you reconnect with your values, rebuild your confidence, and cultivate a sense of stability and peace. Recovery is a journey, but with the right support, safety and hope can become the foundation of life again.
Frequently Asked Questions
What experience do you have in the area of domestic and family violence?
My background includes both research and professional practice in the area of domestic and family violence. My research examined patterns of control in intimate relationships, including the ways coercive control and other forms of abuse affect every aspect of a person’s life.
Professionally, I have worked as a Domestic and Family Violence Advisor, supporting spiritual leaders, schools, and NGOs to respond safely and effectively to disclosures of abuse. This has included helping communities and organisations navigate the complex dynamics of domestic violence, and providing guidance on safe responses for both adults and children.
I have also developed domestic and family violence policies and procedures for a large Christian organisation. This involved working to ensure that the policies were trauma-informed, aligned with best practice, and sensitive to the unique challenges that can arise in faith contexts.
Together, this experience enables me to offer both individual therapeutic support and an informed understanding of the broader systems that impact survivors of domestic and family violence. I also have a good knowledge of broarder supports that are available to survivors and their children when they are recovering from domestic and family violence.
How do I know if what I’m experiencing is domestic violence?
Domestic violence is not limited to physical harm. It includes emotional abuse, financial control, coercion, intimidation, and isolation. If you feel fearful, controlled, or unable to make your own choices, you may be experiencing domestic violence.
Is spiritual abuse always intentional?
Not always. Sometimes harmful patterns emerge from unhealthy systems, rigid traditions, or insecure leaders. Whether deliberate or not, the impact can still be devastating—leaving victims struggling with shame, anxiety, confusion, or even a loss of faith.
Is online support safe if I am still living with my partner?
Safety is always the top priority, and if you have any concerns for your safety, you can request a confidential phone call to discuss your situation prior to booking so you can discuss these concerns. Together we can discuss strategies to ensure confidentiality and minimise risks, such as using headphones, a separate e-mail address, or secure devices.
If you have immediate concerns for your safety at any times please call 000.
Can therapy help even if I am not ready to leave the relationship?
Yes. Therapy can provide tools for coping, clarity about your situation, and support for making safe, informed decisions—whether or not you choose to leave.
What makes spiritual abuse different from other types of abuse?
Like emotional or psychological abuse, spiritual abuse uses manipulation and control—but it adds a layer of faith. By twisting sacred texts, invoking God’s name, or misusing spiritual authority, it strikes at the core of a person’s identity, values, and relationship with the divine. This makes it uniquely disorienting and deeply painful.
I am a Christian who is experiencing domestic violence and coercive control, and I wonder if it’s okay to leave my partner because I’ve been told “God hates divorce.”
Many people of faith who experience domestic violence struggle deeply with this question. As a psychologist, I don’t provide theological answers, but I do see how these concerns can weigh heavily on a person’s emotional wellbeing and sense of safety. For some, beliefs around divorce can create guilt, shame, or fear that make it harder to seek help.
While I cannot speak as a theologian, it may be reassuring to know that most faith leaders today emphasise that God’s heart is for love, protection, and justice, and they do not see leaving an abusive relationship as a failure of faith. If this is something you want to explore further, I encourage seeking input from safe and trusted faith leaders alongside psychological support.
Therapy can provide a safe place to explore these feelings, understand how abuse may distort spiritual teachings, and work toward decisions that prioritise safety and dignity. I am able to support Christians seeking Christian counselling for domestic violence, and help you to process the emotional and spiritual impact, separate harmful distortions from life-giving faith, and take steps toward healing, safety, and renewed hope.
I was in a relationship with domestic violence, and recognise that the physical violence and coercive control were destructive. Although I have left, I feel my partner is committed to change. Can you help me work through whether reconciliation is possible?
This is an important and complex question. As a psychologist, my role is not to decide for you but to support you in carefully considering your options. A key focus in therapy will always be your safety, and the safety of any children and other people living in the home. We can work together on risk assessment — looking at whether your partner’s behaviours have genuinely shifted or whether old patterns may still be present.
Therapy can also help you:
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Understand patterns common in abuse — for example, how promises of change may be part of a cycle, and what sustained behavioural change looks like.
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Evaluate behaviour rather than words — recognising that genuine change is shown through consistent, safe, and respectful actions over time.
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Clarify your boundaries and non-negotiables — what needs to be different for you to feel safe and respected.
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Process the impact of past abuse — understanding how trauma may affect your feelings, decision-making, and ability to trust again.
The decision about reconciliation is deeply personal, but it should never come at the cost of your safety or wellbeing, or that of those in your care. Therapy provides a structured, supportive space where you can reflect on risks and possibilities, strengthen your sense of agency, and make informed choices that align with your values and protect your future.
I have come to realise that I experienced domestic and family violence as a child and teenager in my family. Can you help me work through this?
Yes. Many adults only recognise later in life that what they experienced as children or teenagers was domestic and family violence. This realisation can bring up a wide mix of emotions — grief for what was lost, anger at what happened, confusion about family relationships, and even self-doubt about whether it “really counts” as abuse. As a psychologist, I can help you process these experiences in a safe and supportive environment.
Therapy may involve untangling the long-term effects of childhood trauma, such as difficulties with trust, relationships, anxiety, or self-worth. Schema Therapy and other trauma-informed approaches can help make sense of patterns that developed in response to early abuse, and support you in building healthier, more empowering ways of relating to yourself and others. You do not need to go through this alone — therapy can provide both understanding and practical tools for recovery.
I have left a destructive relationship, but now realise that my children have been affected by domestic and family violence in the home. Can you help me support them?
Yes. Children are always affected by domestic and family violence, even if they are not directly harmed. Growing up in a home where there is fear, coercion, or violence can have lasting effects on their sense of safety, trust, and emotional wellbeing. Some children may become anxious, withdrawn, or fearful, while others may act out with anger, defiance, or difficulty concentrating. It is not uncommon for children to carry guilt, shame, or confusion, blaming themselves for the conflict in the home.
At this time, I do not work directly with children, but I provide parenting support for adults — something research has shown to be a crucial part of helping children recover and thrive after experiencing domestic and family violence. As a psychologist, I can help you understand how exposure to violence may have shaped your child’s behaviour and emotions, and support you in responding to their needs in a safe and nurturing way. This may include:
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Helping you recognise signs of trauma such as sleep difficulties, heightened startle responses, or changes in mood and behaviour.
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Supporting you to provide stability and reassurance, so your children can begin to rebuild a sense of safety.
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Developing practical parenting strategies to manage behaviour while fostering connection and emotional regulation.
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Working with you as a parent to strengthen your confidence and sense of agency after the disempowerment of abuse.
Importantly, children are remarkably resilient when given the right support. With safety, consistent care, and opportunities to heal, many children go on to thrive after experiencing domestic and family violence. Therapy can be a crucial step in helping both you and your children move forward with hope, security, and healthier relationships.
I have left a destructive relationship, but now realise that my children have been affected by domestic and family violence in the home. Can you help me support them?
Yes. Children are always affected by domestic and family violence, even if they are not directly harmed. Growing up in a home where there is fear, coercion, or violence can have lasting effects on their sense of safety, trust, and emotional wellbeing. Some children may become anxious, withdrawn, or fearful, while others may act out with anger, defiance, or difficulty concentrating. It is not uncommon for children to carry guilt, shame, or confusion, blaming themselves for the conflict in the home.
At this time, I do not work directly with children, but I provide parenting support for adults — something research has shown to be a crucial part of helping children recover and thrive after experiencing domestic and family violence. As a psychologist, I can help you understand how exposure to violence may have shaped your child’s behaviour and emotions, and support you in responding to their needs in a safe and nurturing way. This may include:
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Helping you recognise signs of trauma such as sleep difficulties, heightened startle responses, or changes in mood and behaviour.
-
Supporting you to provide stability and reassurance, so your children can begin to rebuild a sense of safety.
-
Developing practical parenting strategies to manage behaviour while fostering connection and emotional regulation.
-
Working with you as a parent to strengthen your confidence and sense of agency after the disempowerment of abuse.
Importantly, children are remarkably resilient when given the right support. With safety, consistent care, and opportunities to heal, many children go on to thrive after experiencing domestic and family violence. Therapy can be a crucial step in helping both you and your children move forward with hope, security, and healthier relationships.
Why do I still miss my partner even though they hurt me?
Yes. Feelings of shame and self-blame are very common after domestic and family violence. Survivors often wonder, “Why didn’t I leave sooner?” or “Why did I put up with it?” It’s important to know that these responses are part of how abuse works. Coercive control, gaslighting, and manipulation can make it incredibly hard to see the situation clearly while you are in it. Survivors also stay because of love, hope, financial pressures, children, cultural or faith beliefs, or fear of what might happen if they leave.
From a Schema Therapy perspective, experiences of abuse can activate deep emotional patterns (schemas) formed earlier in life — for example, schemas of defectiveness/shame (“there must be something wrong with me”), self-sacrifice (“I have to put others first, even if it hurts me”), or subjugation (“I can’t say no or I’ll be punished”). These schemas can make survivors more vulnerable to blaming themselves or tolerating mistreatment, even when the abuse is not their fault.
Therapy can help you identify and understand these schemas, recognise how they were reinforced by the abusive relationship, and begin to develop healthier patterns of self-worth, boundaries, and empowerment. You are not to blame for someone else’s choice to be abusive. Recognising this — and learning to challenge those old patterns — is an important step in recovery and rebuilding self-compassion.
Is there a difference between coercive control and domestic violence?
Domestic and family violence is an umbrella term that includes many different forms of abuse — physical, sexual, emotional, financial, social, and spiritual. Coercive control is a particular pattern within domestic violence. It refers to a deliberate and ongoing strategy where one person uses intimidation, isolation, manipulation, and control to dominate the other.
Generally, domestic violence does not occur without some element of control. Coercive control is therefore often evident to some degree in most relationships where domestic and family violence is present. While the types and intensity of control may vary, patterns of intimidation, restriction, or manipulation are usually central to how abuse operates.
Physical violence may or may not be present, but the hallmark of coercive control is a pattern of behaviours that restricts a person’s freedom and erodes their sense of self. Examples include monitoring movements, cutting someone off from friends or family, controlling finances, dictating daily routines, or using threats to create fear.
My research into control in intimate relationships highlighted how coercive control often underpins domestic violence. While physical assaults may be the most visible, coercive control operates in the background — creating the conditions of fear, entrapment, and dependence that keep someone in the relationship.
Understanding this distinction is important: a relationship without frequent physical assaults can still be extremely unsafe if coercive control is present. Therapy can help survivors make sense of these dynamics, reduce self-blame, and work toward recovery from the often invisible wounds of control.
Why can’t I stop replaying things in my mind after my experiences of domestic and family violence?
It’s very common to find yourself replaying events, conversations, or moments from an abusive or controlling relationship. Your mind is trying to make sense of what happened — to find meaning, closure, or a sense of safety after a period where you may have felt powerless or confused. This replaying can take the form of intrusive memories, rumination (“Why didn’t I see it sooner?”), or vivid flashbacks that trigger fear or guilt.
These experiences are often part of the post-traumatic stress response. When you’ve lived through ongoing fear, control, or threat, your brain stays on alert, searching for danger even after the situation has ended. Replaying the past is your mind’s attempt to protect you — but over time, it can keep you stuck in distress and self-blame.
Therapy can help you understand and regulate these responses. Through trauma-informed approaches such as Schema Therapy, EMDR, or other evidence-based methods, we work to calm the body’s threat system, process the memories safely, and begin to release their emotional hold.
With support, it’s possible to regain a sense of calm and perspective — so the past no longer feels like it’s happening in the present. Healing involves both understanding what happened and restoring your confidence and peace of mind.
What is Depression
Depression is more than just feeling sad or having a bad day. It’s a persistent feeling of sadness and loss of interest that can affect how you think, feel, and handle daily activities. People with depression might experience symptoms such as feeling tired all the time, having trouble sleeping, losing interest in hobbies, feeling worthless or guilty, and even having difficulty concentrating. It can also cause physical symptoms like aches and pains.
What Causes Depression
There are many reasons why someone might experience depression. It can be triggered by significant life changes, such as losing a job, going through a breakup, or experiencing the death of a loved one. Sometimes, it runs in families, suggesting a genetic link. Other times, it might be related to ongoing stress, trauma, or certain medical conditions.
Understanding the specific reasons behind someone’s depression is crucial, which is where the concept of "formulation" comes in. Formulation is like creating a map of a person’s unique experiences, thoughts, and feelings to understand what might be contributing to their depression. This helps in choosing the right treatment approach, ensuring it’s tailored to the individual’s needs.
The Consequences
Depression can often lead to a vicious cycle. When you’re feeling down, it’s hard to find the motivation to do the things you once enjoyed. This lack of activity can make you feel even worse, leading to even less motivation. Breaking this cycle is an important part of recovery.
Depression can also affect relationships. It may cause you to withdraw from loved ones, feel irritable or misunderstood, or struggle to communicate. Over time, this can lead to conflict, disconnection, or isolation, which may deepen feelings of sadness and loneliness.
Work and study can also become difficult. Concentration may suffer, energy levels can drop, and small tasks may feel overwhelming. This can impact job performance or make it hard to keep up with responsibilities, sometimes leading to job loss or academic struggles—further affecting self-esteem and hope for the future.
In severe cases, depression can lead to thoughts of suicide. If this is happening, it’s important to know that you are not alone, and help is available.
Support is Available
Kylie, an online Psychologist and experienced counsellor, uses a combination of therapies to help break this cycle and support recovery. Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) helps change negative thought patterns, while Schema Therapy addresses deep-rooted beliefs. Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) encourages embracing emotions and committing to actions that align with personal values. Emotional Focused Therapy and Gottman Therapy can also be used to address relational concerns that are contributing to depression.
Book a session through the online portal today, or phone on:
1300 618 377
Take the next step toward healing and hope. Book your confidential online session with psychologist Kylie Walls and access compassionate, trauma-informed support wherever you are in Australia.
Our online booking portal allows you to book, review and cancel appointments from the comfort of your lounge chair.
Rebates are available with a Mental Health Treatment Plan