Psychological Support for Coercive Control
Coercive control refers to a persistent pattern of controlling behaviours that aim to dominate, isolate, and undermine another person’s autonomy. Often subtle and non-physical, it may include manipulation, surveillance, intimidation, and restriction of personal freedom. As a psychologist, recognising the signs of coercive control is essential in supporting clients affected by abuse in intimate, familial, or faith-based relationships.
"Control thrives in silence. Healing begins when your voice is heard"
Information about Coerive Control
What is Coercive Control?
What is Coercive Control
Coercive control is a pattern of abusive behaviour designed to dominate, intimidate, and restrict a person's freedom. Unlike physical violence, coercive control can be more subtle and insidious, yet deeply damaging.
Common Behaviours of Coercive Control
Coercive control can take many forms, including:
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Isolation: Restricting your contact with family, friends, or support networks.
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Monitoring: Constantly checking your phone, social media, or whereabouts.
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Gaslighting: Undermining your perception of reality, making you doubt your memories or feelings.
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Financial Control: Controlling access to money, limiting your ability to make financial decisions, or forcing financial dependence.
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Emotional Manipulation: Using guilt, fear, or shame to control your actions.
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Threats and Intimidation: Verbal abuse, threats of harm, or exploiting fears to maintain control.
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Controlling Daily Life: Dictating what you wear, eat, or where you can go.
Coercive control often builds gradually, making it difficult for victims to recognize what’s happening until they feel trapped.
The Impact of Coercive Control on Victims
Experiencing coercive control can have significant psychological, emotional, and physical effects. Victims may experience:
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Emotional Distress: Anxiety, depression, or feelings of hopelessness.
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Loss of Identity: Victims may feel they’ve lost their sense of self after constant criticism or control.
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Chronic Stress and Hypervigilance: Living in a state of heightened alertness can lead to exhaustion and burnout.
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Shame and Self-Blame: Victims may feel responsible for the abusive behaviour, believing they have caused it.
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Physical Health Effects: Headaches, digestive issues, and other stress-related symptoms are common.
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Difficulty Trusting Others: After prolonged control, victims may struggle to rebuild trust and confidence in relationships.
The long-term impact of coercive control can be profound, but recovery is possible with the right support.
Coercive Control in Christian and Faith Communities:
While coercive control is most commonly studied in the context of intimate relationships, research shows that similar patterns of manipulation, intimidation, and control can emerge in other relational settings — including families, workplaces, and faith communities. In some Christian contexts, certain dynamics may unintentionally enable controlling behaviours:
Misuse of Authority: When spiritual leaders or influential members exert excessive control under the guise of guidance, individuals may feel pressured to comply out of fear, guilt, or misplaced loyalty.
Distorted Teachings on Forgiveness:
Emphasizing forgiveness without accountability can leave individuals feeling obligated to tolerate harmful behaviour.
Pressure to Maintain Appearances:
The desire to protect a church’s reputation or maintain unity can discourage people from speaking up about concerning behaviour.
Isolation from External Support:
Encouraging disconnection from outside relationships or resources can increase vulnerability to coercion. These dynamics can leave individuals feeling powerless, confused, or spiritually conflicted about seeking help.
In some Christian contexts, strong emphasis on values such as submission, sacrifice, and unconditional forgiveness — when misunderstood or misapplied — can create an environment where controlling behaviours in intimate relationships go unnoticed or are excused. Some risk factors may include:
Misinterpreted Teachings on Submission:
When submission is framed as unquestioning obedience, one partner may exert excessive control, limiting the other's independence, voice, or decision-making power.
Pressure to Maintain Appearances:
In faith communities where marriage is highly valued, individuals may feel pressure to hide signs of distress or avoid seeking support for fear of judgment.
Spiritual Manipulation:
Misusing Scripture or spiritual language to justify control, instill fear, or demand compliance can undermine a person’s sense of autonomy and worth. This is also known as Spiritual Abuse.
Distorted Views of Forgiveness:
While forgiveness is central to Christian faith, it should not be confused with tolerating ongoing harm or neglecting personal boundaries.
Coercive control is a form of domestic violence, and can leave individuals feeling trapped, confused, and emotionally isolated. Recognising these patterns is essential to ensuring that marriages reflect mutual respect, love, and healthy partnership.
Help on the Path to Healing after Coercive Control
Recovery from coercive control is not just about understanding the past—it’s about creating a healthier, and brighter future. Therapy provides a safe, nonjudgmental space where you can explore your experiences, rebuild your sense of self, and develop stronger boundaries for future relationships.
If you are seeking support to recover from coercive control, professional help can provide guidance and tools to assist with your journey toward healing. With experience in both therapy and research, I offer compassionate, online therapy tailored to adults navigating relationship concerns, trauma recovery, and mental health challenges. My research has deepened my understanding of coercive control, attachment patterns, and emotional regulation, allowing me to provide informed, effective support. If you’re ready to begin your journey toward recovery, please reach out.
Frequently Asked Questions About Therapy for Coercive Control
What understanding do you have of coercive control?
My understanding of coercive control is informed by both research and clinical experience. My research examined patterns of control in intimate relationships, exploring how coercive dynamics can develop gradually through emotional manipulation, psychological dominance, and the erosion of a person’s autonomy and sense of self.
Coercive control is a pattern of behaviour—rather than a single incident—through which one person seeks to dominate another. It may involve intimidation, isolation, surveillance, degradation, or the misuse of affection and care. The aim is not only to control what someone does, but to shape how they think, feel, and see themselves. Over time, this control can leave a person feeling trapped, confused, and fearful of making independent choices.
Does coercive control only occur in intimate relationships or marriages?
While coercive control is most commonly discussed in the context of intimate partner relationships, it also occurs in families (for example, controlling or emotionally abusive parent–child dynamics or elder abuse), workplaces (through misuse of power, threats, or psychological intimidation), and faith communities or high-control groups and cults, where authority and belief may be manipulated to maintain compliance or silence dissent.
Across all these contexts, coercive control functions through the same underlying mechanisms—fear, confusion, dependency, and loss of agency—and can have lasting psychological and relational impacts. My approach to understanding and responding to coercive control is trauma-informed, ethically grounded, and attentive to both individual recovery and the broader systems that enable such dynamics to persist.
What experience do you have in the area of domestic and family violence?
My background includes both research and professional practice in the area of domestic and family violence. My research examined patterns of control in intimate relationships, including the ways coercive control and other forms of abuse affect every aspect of a person’s life.
Professionally, I have worked as a Domestic and Family Violence Advisor, supporting spiritual leaders, schools, and NGOs to respond safely and effectively to disclosures of abuse. This has included helping communities and organisations navigate the complex dynamics of domestic violence, and providing guidance on safe responses for both adults and children.
I have also developed domestic and family violence policies and procedures for a large Christian organisation. This involved working to ensure that the policies were trauma-informed, aligned with best practice, and sensitive to the unique challenges that can arise in faith contexts.
Together, this experience enables me to offer both individual therapeutic support and an informed understanding of the broader systems that impact survivors of domestic and family violence. I also have a good knowledge of broarder supports that are available to survivors and their children when they are recovering from domestic and family violence.
How do I know if what I’m experiencing is coercive control?
Coercive control can be difficult to recognise—especially when it develops slowly over time or is disguised as love, concern, or spiritual or moral guidance. Many people only begin to identify it when they notice that they no longer feel free to think, act, or express themselves without fear of the other person’s reaction.
You may be experiencing coercive control if someone in your life consistently:
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Monitors or restricts your movements, social contacts, money, or communication.
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Uses guilt, fear, or obligation to make you comply or stay silent.
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Twists your words or experiences (gaslighting) so you doubt your own judgment.
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Isolates you from friends, family, or sources of support.
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Punishes or withdraws affection when you assert independence or disagree.
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Uses religion, authority, or moral arguments to justify control or to shame you into obedience.
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Makes you feel responsible for their emotions, anger, or wellbeing.
In a healthy relationship—whether personal, family, work, or faith-based—you can express opinions safely, make choices freely, and feel respected even when you disagree. Coercive control replaces that safety with fear, confusion, and a growing sense of walking on eggshells.
Because coercive control can occur in many settings—including intimate partnerships, families, workplaces, or faith communities—it’s important to trust your own sense that something feels “off.” Sometimes people around you may express concern, which may be a sign that they see things in your relationship that are not healthy. However, you cannot always rely on others to confirm your fears, as no-one understands your experience in a relationship the same way that you do. If you find yourself questioning whether your situation is normal or safe, that uncertainty itself can be a sign that control or manipulation is taking place.
You don’t have to work it out alone. Speaking with a psychologist or counsellor experienced in trauma and relational dynamics can help you make sense of what’s happening and begin to regain clarity and confidence.
Is online support safe if I am still living with my partner?
Safety is always the top priority, and if you have any concerns for your safety, you can request a confidential phone call to discuss your situation prior to booking so you can discuss these concerns. Together we can discuss strategies to ensure confidentiality and minimise risks, such as using headphones, a separate e-mail address, or secure devices.
If you have immediate concerns for your safety at any times please call 000.
I am a Christian who is experiencing domestic violence and coercive control, and I wonder if it’s okay to leave my partner because I’ve been told “God hates divorce.”
Many people of faith who experience domestic violence struggle deeply with this question. As a psychologist, I don’t provide theological answers, but I do see how these concerns can weigh heavily on a person’s emotional wellbeing and sense of safety. For some, beliefs around divorce can create guilt, shame, or fear that make it harder to seek help.
While I cannot speak as a theologian, it may be reassuring to know that most faith leaders today emphasise that God’s heart is for love, protection, and justice, and they do not see leaving an abusive relationship as a failure of faith. If this is something you want to explore further, I encourage seeking input from safe and trusted faith leaders alongside psychological support.
Therapy can provide a safe place to explore these feelings, understand how abuse may distort spiritual teachings, and work toward decisions that prioritise safety and dignity. I am able to support Christians seeking Christian counselling for domestic violence, and help you to process the emotional and spiritual impact, separate harmful distortions from life-giving faith, and take steps toward healing, safety, and renewed hope.
I was in a relationship with coercive control and we separated. Although I have left, I feel my partner is committed to change. Can you help me work through whether reconciliation is possible?
This is an important and complex question. As a psychologist, my role is not to decide for you but to support you in carefully considering your options. A key focus in therapy will always be your safety, and the safety of any children and other people living in the home. We can work together on risk assessment — looking at whether your partner’s behaviours have genuinely shifted or whether old patterns may still be present.
Therapy can also help you:
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Understand patterns common in abuse — for example, how promises of change may be part of a cycle, and what sustained behavioural change looks like.
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Evaluate behaviour rather than words — recognising that genuine change is shown through consistent, safe, and respectful actions over time.
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Clarify your boundaries and non-negotiables — what needs to be different for you to feel safe and respected.
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Process the impact of past abuse — understanding how trauma may affect your feelings, decision-making, and ability to trust again.
The decision about reconciliation is deeply personal, but it should never come at the cost of your safety or wellbeing, or that of those in your care. Therapy provides a structured, supportive space where you can reflect on risks and possibilities, strengthen your sense of agency, and make informed choices that align with your values and protect your future.
I was in a relationship with coercive control and we separated. Although I have left, I feel my partner is committed to change. Can you help me work through whether reconciliation is possible?
This is an important and complex question. As a psychologist, my role is not to decide for you but to support you in carefully considering your options. A key focus in therapy will always be your safety, and the safety of any children and other people living in the home. We can work together on risk assessment — looking at whether your partner’s behaviours have genuinely shifted or whether old patterns may still be present.
Therapy can also help you:
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Understand patterns common in abuse — for example, how promises of change may be part of a cycle, and what sustained behavioural change looks like.
-
Evaluate behaviour rather than words — recognising that genuine change is shown through consistent, safe, and respectful actions over time.
-
Clarify your boundaries and non-negotiables — what needs to be different for you to feel safe and respected.
-
Process the impact of past abuse — understanding how trauma may affect your feelings, decision-making, and ability to trust again.
The decision about reconciliation is deeply personal, but it should never come at the cost of your safety or wellbeing, or that of those in your care. Therapy provides a structured, supportive space where you can reflect on risks and possibilities, strengthen your sense of agency, and make informed choices that align with your values and protect your future.
I’ve come to realise that I experienced coercive control in my family growing up. Can you help me work through this?
Yes. Many adults only recognise later in life that what they experienced as children or teenagers was a form of coercive control — a persistent pattern of domination, fear, or manipulation within the family. This realisation can bring a complex mix of emotions: grief for the childhood that felt unsafe, anger or confusion about the behaviour of caregivers, guilt or loyalty conflicts, and self-doubt about whether it “really counts” as abuse.
As a psychologist experienced in working with coercive and controlling dynamics, I provide a safe, respectful space to begin making sense of these experiences. Therapy often involves exploring how early patterns of control may continue to affect your sense of safety, trust, self-worth, or boundaries in adulthood.
Using Schema Therapy and other trauma-informed approaches, we can work to identify and soften the beliefs or coping patterns that developed in response to control — such as self-blame, people-pleasing, or hypervigilance — and build healthier, more empowering ways of relating to yourself and others.
You don’t have to process this alone. Healing from coercive control takes time, compassion, and support. Therapy can help you understand what happened, recover your sense of autonomy, and move toward freedom and wholeness.
I’ve left a controlling or destructive relationship, but now realise that my children have been affected by coercive control. Can you help me support them?
Yes. Children are always affected by coercive control, even if they were not directly targeted. Growing up in an environment where one parent dominates, intimidates, or manipulates the other can deeply impact a child’s sense of safety, trust, and emotional wellbeing.
Children may learn to stay quiet to avoid conflict, become anxious or withdrawn, or act out with anger and defiance. They may also feel caught between parents, unsure who to trust, or carry guilt and self-blame for the tension in the home. Even when the controlling behaviour wasn’t directed at them, witnessing fear, criticism, or control can shape how they view relationships, conflict, and themselves.
At this time, I do not work directly with children, but I provide parenting support for adults — something research shows is a crucial part of helping children recover from coercive and controlling environments. As a psychologist, I can help you:
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Understand the impact coercive control may have had on your child’s emotions, behaviour, and development.
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Recognise signs of trauma such as hypervigilance, sleep difficulties, or emotional withdrawal.
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Respond to your child’s needs in a way that rebuilds trust, stability, and emotional safety.
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Develop practical strategies for managing challenging behaviour while fostering connection and emotional regulation.
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Rebuild your confidence as a parent, particularly if you have been undermined or disempowered within the relationship.
The good news is that children are remarkably resilient when given the right support. With safety, consistency, and nurturing care, many recover and thrive after experiences of coercive control. Therapy can help you strengthen your own sense of agency and create a home environment where your children can begin to heal and flourish.
I feel so confused about whether what I’m experiencing is coercive control. One day things seem okay, the next I feel fearful and unsure.
It’s completely understandable to feel confused. Coercive control often doesn’t start with obvious abuse — it develops gradually through patterns of manipulation, criticism, or fear that leave you questioning your own reality. People living in controlling relationships often describe feeling like they’re “walking on eggshells,” never quite sure what will keep the peace or trigger anger or withdrawal.
This confusion is a normal response to an abnormal situation. Coercive control works by distorting your sense of safety and self-trust. Periods of calm, affection, or “making up” can make you doubt your concerns, while moments of tension or fear reinforce your anxiety. This cycle of warmth and control keeps you emotionally tied to the relationship and unsure whether what you’re experiencing really “counts” as abuse.
If you find yourself feeling anxious, fearful, silenced, or constantly trying to manage someone else’s reactions, these may be signs of coercive control. You don’t have to have physical violence present for the situation to be serious or harmful.
Talking it through in a safe, non-judgmental space can help you begin to see the pattern more clearly. As a psychologist experienced in coercive and controlling dynamics, I can help you:
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Explore what’s been happening without pressure or judgment.
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Understand the psychological tactics that create confusion and self-doubt.
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Reconnect with your own perspective, values, and sense of agency.
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Identify steps toward safety and emotional recovery, at your own pace.
You don’t have to figure it out alone. Feeling unsure is part of how coercive control operates — but with support, clarity and confidence can begin to return.
Is there a difference between coercive control and domestic violence?
Domestic and family violence is an umbrella term that includes many different forms of abuse — physical, sexual, emotional, financial, social, and spiritual. Coercive control is a particular pattern within domestic violence. It refers to a deliberate and ongoing strategy where one person uses intimidation, isolation, manipulation, and control to dominate the other.
Generally, domestic violence does not occur without some element of control. Coercive control is therefore often evident to some degree in most relationships where domestic and family violence is present. While the types and intensity of control may vary, patterns of intimidation, restriction, or manipulation are usually central to how abuse operates.
Physical violence may or may not be present, but the hallmark of coercive control is a pattern of behaviours that restricts a person’s freedom and erodes their sense of self. Examples include monitoring movements, cutting someone off from friends or family, controlling finances, dictating daily routines, or using threats to create fear.
My research into control in intimate relationships highlighted how coercive control often underpins domestic violence. While physical assaults may be the most visible, coercive control operates in the background — creating the conditions of fear, entrapment, and dependence that keep someone in the relationship.
Understanding this distinction is important: a relationship without frequent physical assaults can still be extremely unsafe if coercive control is present. Therapy can help survivors make sense of these dynamics, reduce self-blame, and work toward recovery from the often invisible wounds of control.
What is Depression
Depression is more than just feeling sad or having a bad day. It’s a persistent feeling of sadness and loss of interest that can affect how you think, feel, and handle daily activities. People with depression might experience symptoms such as feeling tired all the time, having trouble sleeping, losing interest in hobbies, feeling worthless or guilty, and even having difficulty concentrating. It can also cause physical symptoms like aches and pains.
What Causes Depression
There are many reasons why someone might experience depression. It can be triggered by significant life changes, such as losing a job, going through a breakup, or experiencing the death of a loved one. Sometimes, it runs in families, suggesting a genetic link. Other times, it might be related to ongoing stress, trauma, or certain medical conditions.
Understanding the specific reasons behind someone’s depression is crucial, which is where the concept of "formulation" comes in. Formulation is like creating a map of a person’s unique experiences, thoughts, and feelings to understand what might be contributing to their depression. This helps in choosing the right treatment approach, ensuring it’s tailored to the individual’s needs.
The Consequences
Depression can often lead to a vicious cycle. When you’re feeling down, it’s hard to find the motivation to do the things you once enjoyed. This lack of activity can make you feel even worse, leading to even less motivation. Breaking this cycle is an important part of recovery.
Depression can also affect relationships. It may cause you to withdraw from loved ones, feel irritable or misunderstood, or struggle to communicate. Over time, this can lead to conflict, disconnection, or isolation, which may deepen feelings of sadness and loneliness.
Work and study can also become difficult. Concentration may suffer, energy levels can drop, and small tasks may feel overwhelming. This can impact job performance or make it hard to keep up with responsibilities, sometimes leading to job loss or academic struggles—further affecting self-esteem and hope for the future.
In severe cases, depression can lead to thoughts of suicide. If this is happening, it’s important to know that you are not alone, and help is available.
Support is Available
Kylie, an online Psychologist and experienced counsellor, uses a combination of therapies to help break this cycle and support recovery. Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) helps change negative thought patterns, while Schema Therapy addresses deep-rooted beliefs. Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) encourages embracing emotions and committing to actions that align with personal values. Emotional Focused Therapy and Gottman Therapy can also be used to address relational concerns that are contributing to depression.
Book a session through the online portal today, or phone on:
1300 618 377
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