Family Estrangement: Grappling with the Pain and Confusion
Image Capture: A person walking away from their family, representing family estrangement, which can lead to considerable pain and confusion.
In recent months, family estrangement has been increasingly discussed in public forums, particularly following several high-profile cases and a feature on Oprah. These conversations have sparked strong reactions — sympathy, discomfort, judgement, and debate — often reflecting deeply held beliefs about family, loyalty, and forgiveness. For those from religious backgrounds, these discussions can be especially charged, as estrangement sits uneasily alongside teachings about honour, reconciliation, forgiveness, and self-sacrifice.
And yet, for many people, estrangement is not a theoretical or ideological position. It is deeply personal. It is lived experience. And it is often chosen only after years of pain.
When Estrangement Becomes an Option
As a therapist, it is rarely my experience that people arrive at estrangement quickly or casually. More often, it follows a long period of internal struggle — marked by repeated attempts to repair the relationship, hopes that things might change, and deep emotional exhaustion.
Most people who eventually step back from family contact have already:
Tried to explain their experience in multiple ways to the other family member/s
Minimised their own needs to keep the peace, often requiring years of subjugation and self-sacrifice.
Experienced repeated and significant boundary violations
Carried guilt and self-doubt long before creating distance, anguishing about whether they are to blame, and trying many strategies to improve the relationship.
Experienced repetitive maltreatment, including scapegoating, blaming, manipulation, and other forms of abuse over many years.
Even when estrangement feels necessary, it is rarely experienced as relief alone. It often comes with grief, longing, confusion, sadness, and the loss of what one wished the relationship could have been. Deep down, there is often a desire for reconciliation, but little hope that this is possible.
When Estrangement Is a Response to Real Harm
It is important to be clear: estrangement does not usually occur because of minor disagreements or everyday family tensions. More often, it emerges in response to ongoing and significant harm.
1. Persistent emotional or psychological abuse
This may include chronic criticism and scapegoating, manipulation, control, intimidation, or emotional neglect. Over time, these patterns can erode a person’s sense of self, safety, and emotional stability.
When such dynamics continue despite efforts to address them, ongoing contact can become genuinely damaging. Estrangement, in these cases, is not about punishment, it is about protection.
2. Repeated boundary violations
Some families consistently override boundaries, even when those boundaries are clearly communicated. This may involve intrusive behaviour, dismissing limits, or responding with guilt, anger, or moral pressure when boundaries are asserted. In religious families, this dynamic can be intensified when spiritual language is used to justify these responses — for example, framing boundaries as unloving, rebellious, or evidence of spiritual weakness.
In more patriarchal religious structures, this can be particularly pronounced. Hierarchical views of authority may place parents, fathers, or spiritual leaders in positions that are rarely questioned, while obedience and submission are emphasised as virtues. Within these frameworks, asserting personal limits — especially by women or adult children — can be interpreted as defiance rather than self-protection. Harmful or controlling behaviours may be defended as “biblical,” “God-ordained,” or “for your own good,” making it difficult for those affected to have their experiences recognised as valid.
When faith and authority are intertwined in this way, boundaries can be experienced not simply as interpersonal limits, but as moral or spiritual violations. Over time, this can leave individuals feeling trapped, silenced, or deeply conflicted about asserting their needs.
When boundaries are repeatedly violated — particularly within systems that prioritise hierarchy and obedience over mutuality and care — distance may become the only remaining way to preserve emotional, psychological, and spiritual wellbeing.
3. Denial and minimisation of harm
One of the most painful dynamics arises when a parent or family member is unable or unwilling to acknowledge the impact of their behaviour. This can involve minimising events, reframing harm as misunderstanding, or insisting that the other person is “too sensitive.” In religious families, this may be compounded by a failure to recognise that certain religiously sanctioned practices — such as harsh physical discipline, rigid control, or the suppression of autonomy — were in fact harmful. These behaviours may be defended as “biblical” or “right,” making it especially difficult for those affected to have their experiences validated or taken seriously.
This ongoing invalidation can be deeply destabilising. When a person’s reality is repeatedly denied, it often leads to self-doubt, shame, and emotional confusion. In such situations, estrangement may arise not from anger, but from the exhaustion of not being seen or believed.
4. Situations Involving Safety or Coercion
In situations involving physical, sexual, or emotional abuse — including patterns of coercive control or intimidation — creating distance may be essential for safety. In these contexts, estrangement is not an act of avoidance or punishment, but a necessary form of protection. This can often be the case in families where drug or alcohol abuse is prevalent.
When fear, control, or harm are present, maintaining contact can place individuals at ongoing psychological or physical risk. In such circumstances, stepping away is often a responsible and self-preserving response rather than a failure of relationship or faith.
The Complexity of Estrangement
While estrangement may be necessary, it is not without cost. Some things to consider are:
Estrangement can sometimes function as avoidance
From a psychological perspective, particularly within schema therapy, it is also important to consider the role of avoidance in estrangement.
Schemas are deeply held patterns of belief and expectation about ourselves, others, and the world. They typically develop in childhood in response to repeated emotional experiences — especially those involving unmet needs, unpredictability, or relational pain. Once formed, schemas can shape how we interpret relationships and how we protect ourselves from further hurt.
When a schema is activated — such as abandonment, mistrust, emotional deprivation, or defectiveness — it can trigger intense emotional distress. In response, people often develop coping strategies to manage that pain. One of the most common is avoidance.
Avoidance can take many forms:
Emotional withdrawal
Shutting down difficult conversations
Distancing from relationships that feel threatening
Cutting off contact to reduce distress
In some cases, estrangement becomes part of this protective pattern.
This does not mean the person is “wrong” or acting maliciously. Often, the withdrawal is driven by a deep, understandable fear — fear of being hurt again, fear of conflict, fear of rejection, or fear of being overwhelmed emotionally. For some, closeness itself has become associated with danger.
However, over time, avoidance can begin to solidify into a relational pattern. When distress automatically leads to withdrawal, opportunities for repair, clarification, or growth may be lost. Relationships can become organised around distance rather than discernment.
This is particularly important to consider when estrangement occurs without clear communication or attempts at repair. In these cases, the other party may never fully understand the impact of their behaviour, and the individual who withdraws may carry unresolved anger or grief forward into future relationships.
From a therapeutic perspective, the question is not whether distance is ever appropriate, as sometimes it absolutely is, but whether the decision is being made from a place of grounded discernment or from a place of fear, emotional shut-down or emotional overwhelm.
Healing often involves gently exploring:
What feels threatening in closeness
What past experiences are being activated
Whether withdrawal is protecting from real harm, or from the fear of being hurt again
How to hold boundaries without disappearing
This kind of reflection can be deeply challenging, particularly for those whose early experiences taught them that closeness was unsafe or conditional. But it is also where meaningful growth and relational healing can begin. Therapy can be helpful to help you to unpack complex feelings and start to understand what led to and is maintaining family estrangement.
Anger Can Build Slowly — Then Erupt
In many families, anger accumulates quietly over time. Needs go unmet. Concerns are minimised or dismissed. Conflict is avoided in the name of keeping the peace or maintaining harmony.
When a rupture finally occurs, it can appear sudden or extreme to others — even though, internally, it has been building for years. This often leaves both sides feeling deeply misunderstood: one feeling unheard and invisible for a long time, the other shocked by what feels like an abrupt and disproportionate reaction.
For some people, suppressing anger becomes a learned coping strategy. This is often shaped by early experiences where expressing needs or emotions felt unsafe, unwelcome, or disruptive. In therapy, it can be helpful to explore how this pattern developed and what it may be protecting against.
From a schema perspective, patterns such as subjugation or self-sacrifice are commonly involved. When a person consistently prioritises others’ needs, avoids conflict, or works hard to be the “good” or compliant one, resentment can quietly accumulate beneath the surface. Over time, the ongoing suppression of one’s own thoughts, feelings, and needs can lead to emotional exhaustion — and eventually to withdrawal, anger, or rupture.
Understanding these patterns can be an important step in moving toward healthier boundaries, more direct communication, and relationships that do not require self-erasure in order to be maintained.
Estrangement can close the door to repair
Repair requires relationship, accountability, and willingness to change. When estrangement becomes absolute, the possibility of reconciliation — even when growth later occurs — may be lost.
This does not mean people should remain in harmful situations. But it does highlight the importance of discerning whether change is truly impossible, or whether support, boundaries, and time might allow for something different.
Grief of Estrangement Is Often Underestimated
Although withdrawing from abusive or damaging dynamics can bring about relief, estrangement brings a particular kind of grief. This grief is what family systems researcher Pauline Boss describes as ambiguous loss, in which a person is still alive, but psychologically or relationally absent. Unlike bereavement following death, where others acknowledge and understand the loss, this form of loss lacks closure, social recognition, or clear rituals for mourning, making it especially difficult to process (Boss, 1999; Boss, 2006). There is also often a sense that others with limited understanding may judge or speak badly about the decision.
Research suggests that this type of unresolved loss can lead to ongoing distress, rumination, and emotional confusion, as individuals remain caught between hope and grief (Boss, 2006). In the context of family estrangement, this ambiguity is often intensified by the possibility of future contact, reconciliation, or further rejection.
Studies of adult child–parent estrangement similarly note that estranged individuals experience enduring grief, sadness, and longing — even when estrangement was necessary for self-protection (Agllias, 2017). This grief frequently resurfaces around holidays, milestones, or times of vulnerability, when the absence of family support becomes particularly salient.
Because estrangement does not fit socially recognised models of loss, it is also commonly experienced as disenfranchised grief — grief that is not openly acknowledged or validated by others — which can further compound emotional pain (Doka, 1989; Agllias, 2017).
Why Estrangement Can Be Especially Challenging in Religious Contexts
For those shaped by Christian faith, family estrangement can feel especially complex. While estrangement occurs across all backgrounds, it is often more prevalent — and more layered — within religious families. This is not because faith itself is harmful, but because belief, authority, and identity can become tightly intertwined within family systems.
In many religious contexts, family life is shaped not only by emotional bonds, but by deeply held moral frameworks, spiritual expectations, and particular interpretations of obedience, authority, and “rightness.” When these dynamics are healthy, they can foster belonging, meaning, and stability. When they are not, they can create environments where harm is difficult to name and even harder to challenge.
One contributing factor is spiritual authority. In families where parents or leaders are positioned as spiritual gatekeepers, disagreement may be framed not as a difference of perspective, but as rebellion, pride, or a lack of faith. Children may grow up learning that questioning is dangerous, that obedience equals goodness, and that compliance is a measure of spiritual maturity. Over time, this can erode a person’s ability to trust their own perceptions, emotions, or needs.
In some cases, these dynamics cross into spiritual abuse — where faith, Scripture, or spiritual language is used to control, shame, silence, or coerce.
This may include:
Using religious doctrine to justify harmful behaviour
Framing suffering as God’s will rather than something to be addressed
Equating disagreement with sin or spiritual failure
Pressuring individuals to forgive without accountability
Prioritising family or church reputation over safety or truth
When spiritual authority is used in these ways, it can create profound internal conflict. The person experiencing harm is not only navigating relational pain, but also a crisis of faith, identity, and belonging.
Trauma associated with high-control religious environments can also contribute to estrangement. In families shaped by rigid or fear-based belief systems, safety is often learned through compliance. Expressing needs, setting boundaries, or disagreeing may have been met with withdrawal, punishment, or moral condemnation. Over time, the nervous system learns that conflict is dangerous and distress must be suppressed, until the emotional cost becomes unsustainable.
In these circumstances, estrangement can feel like the only way to regain a sense of autonomy, safety, or psychological integrity. Yet for those raised within ideologies that elevate family unity, parental authority, and obedience as spiritual imperatives, the decision to distance oneself can be accompanied by intense guilt, fear, and shame.
Estrangement in religious families often carries an added layer of grief. The loss is not only relational, but may also involve the loss of spiritual community, shared meaning, and a sense of belonging that once felt sacred.
This is why conversations about estrangement in faith contexts must be approached with care. Simplistic narratives about forgiveness or reconciliation risk overlooking the very real dynamics of power, coercion, and trauma that may be present. Without space for truth, accountability, and safety, calls for unity can unintentionally perpetuate harm.
It is important to recognise that forgiveness is not the same as reconciliation. Grace does not require ongoing exposure to harm, and love does not mean the absence of boundaries.
The Pain Experienced by Those on the Receiving End of Estrangement
While much attention is rightly given to those who choose distance in order to protect themselves, it is also important to acknowledge the profound pain experienced by parents and family members who find themselves on the receiving end of estrangement.
For many, this loss is sudden, bewildering, and deeply destabilising.
Parents often describe feelings of shock, confusion, and heartbreak. They may replay past interactions repeatedly, trying to understand what went wrong or when the relationship began to fracture. The absence of explanation — or the feeling that they were not given the opportunity to repair or respond — can be especially painful.
Estrangement can bring with it:
A deep sense of grief and loss
Shame and fear of judgement from others
Confusion about what was done wrong
Powerlessness in the face of silence
A longing for reconciliation without knowing how to begin
For some, this grief is compounded by the loss of grandchildren, family rituals, and milestones that once gave life meaning. Holidays, birthdays, and ordinary moments can become sharp reminders of what is missing.
In religious families, this pain is often intensified. Parents may wrestle with profound spiritual distress — questioning their role, their faith, or whether they have failed morally or spiritually. They may feel torn between sorrow, defensiveness, regret, and a deep desire to make things right.
At times, parents or family members genuinely do not understand the impact of their behaviour. This does not necessarily mean harm did not occur, but it does mean that estrangement can feel incomprehensible from their perspective. Without support, this confusion can harden into defensiveness, denial, or despair.
It is also important to acknowledge that not all parents who experience estrangement are abusive or intentionally harmful. Some are limited by their own unresolved trauma, emotional capacity, generational patterns, or lack of insight. This does not negate the pain of those who distance themselves — but it does highlight the complexity of these relational ruptures.
From a therapeutic perspective, this is where compassion must extend in both directions.
Estrangement creates suffering on all sides. Healing, where it is possible, requires humility, reflection, and support — not blame or simplification. For some families, this may mean slowly rebuilding trust. For others, it may mean learning to live with unresolved grief while seeking meaning, growth, and peace in other areas of life.
What is most important is that all involved are supported to process their pain with honesty, dignity, and care.
Holding the Tension
It can be helpful to approach a desire to withdraw or distance from a relationship carefully and with curiosity. For some people, a definitive cut-off, at least for a period of time, is necessary for safety and psychological wellbeing. For others, there may be ways to seek autonomy, protection, and emotional distance without a full relational rupture. Exploring this distinction, and what is realistically possible in your specific situation, is often best done with the support of a therapist.
If you are navigating questions about family estrangement, or finding yourself wrestling with the emotional, relational, or spiritual weight of these decisions, there is support available. These experiences are often complex, painful, and deeply personal, particularly when faith and family are intertwined.
As a psychologist at Refuge Psychology, I work in a way that is religiously sensitive and trauma-informed, recognising both the importance of faith and the very real harm that can occur when power, belief, or family obligation are misused. I understand that contemplating distance or estrangement can carry significant grief, fear, and uncertainty. I also understand that those who are on the recieving end of estrangement are often in need of support, and help understanding the situation, and make decisions about how you will navigate the situation moving forwards. Support that honours your values, your safety, and your lived experience can make a meaningful difference as you navigate these decisions with care and discernment.
If you are seeking support, Refuge Psychology offers compassionate, evidence-based care for those recovering from abuse and complex trauma—including those harmed in religious or institutional contexts. Together, we can work toward healing that restores your sense of safety, dignity, and hope.
You can book an appointment through the link below:
Disclaimer
Any stories or examples provided are illustrative only and do not describe a specific client, person, or event. Some of the information presented relates to health and mental health issues but is not intended as medical advice. It is offered for general informational purposes. While every effort is made to ensure accuracy, some information may reflect opinion or emerging research. Your personal circumstances have not been considered, so any reliance on this material is at your own risk. Please seek independent professional advice before acting on any of it. Find the full terms of service here: Terms of Service | Refuge Psychology
References
Agllias, K. (2017). Missing family: The adult child’s experience of parental estrangement. Journal of Social Work Practice, 31(2), 175–190.
Boss, P. (1999). Ambiguous loss: Learning to live with unresolved grief. Harvard University Press.
Doka, K. J. (1989). Disenfranchised grief: Recognizing hidden sorrow. Lexington Books.
Gilligan, M., Suitor, J. J., & Pillemer, K. (2015).Estrangement between parents and adult children: The role of norms and values. Journal of Marriage and Family, 77(4), 908–920.
Kim-Spoon, J., Longo, G. S., & McCullough, M. E. (2012).Parent–adolescent relationship quality as a moderator for the influence of parents’ religiousness on adolescents’ religiousness. Journal of Youth and Adolescence, 41(12), 1576–1587.
Nikolajsen, A., Larsen, L., Holstein, B. E., & Swane, C. E. (2025). How Older Parents Cope With Estrangement From Adult Children: A Qualitative Study. Families in Society,
